Even as I sit to write these words I know that they will not apply to the majority of people who come to read them. And I am grateful for that. I would hate to think that most people needed to hear this message. I write them anyway in the hope that maybe just one person might stop to think about the effect that their words can have on others.

Most of us, no matter what our beliefs, convictions or personal morals, still see the central importance of respecting others who may be in some way different to us. As long as people are not deliberately setting out to hurt others, as a society we defend the right of individuals to live as they choose to do. It is one of the reasons that we can be proud to live in a tolerant society.

Having said that, once more this evening I have got home from work to be greeted by a 12year-old who is refusing to go to school tomorrow. The reason for this? It is because he has once again been called names at school such as ‘gay’, ‘retard’ and ‘tranny’. This is far from the first time and sadly I know it also won’t be the last.

I am quite sure that the children and teenagers who have been using these words do so without much thought as to the consequences of their actions. They may be out to impress their friends, have a ‘laugh’ or somehow try to bolster their own sense of self esteem. Many might well have been brought up hearing terms like this within their own family. The truth is though, that the people on the receiving end of this kind of bullying have a very different experience. The hours I have spent sitting in a therapy room with clients who, in middle age, still cry tears over names they were called at school has taught me exactly how deep these scars can run. I sometimes wonder whether the people who use these kind of terms would be quite as quick to do so if they could see the pain that is really caused in others so many years later.

As for my own son, this week has brought him two things. One is his first experience of dancing a solo on stage in Exeter. He is a talented performer and he will remember this experience for ever. The second thing that this week has brought him is at least his hundredth experience of being called names related to his appearance or sexuality. He will also remember these taunts forever.

We spend a lot of time in our house talking about forgiveness and understanding. We talk about the fact that not everybody is fortunate enough to be brought up in a way that teaches them to respect others. He understands those things and he does his best not to take these comments personally. Having said that, I know that each cruel word hurts him and I know that going to school is no longer the positive experience that it once used to be.

So for those people, who for whatever reason, feel that it is ok to call people names, whether related to sexuality, race, religion or anything else – please stop to think for a moment about the pain you are causing the other person. This pain might not be immediately visible to you and you might not get the reaction you were hoping for – but you are causing pain nevertheless. What might seem like a meaningless or even funny comment to you is likely to cause hurt, fear and low self worth in the other. And this is especially so when the victim is a child. As I said at the beginning of this column,

I know that this message does not apply to the majority. But for the few that it does apply to – please just think about how you treat and refer to others. We all have the choice in life to be cruel to others or to be kind. I have not given up hope that one day there will be more kindness that cruelty and none of my children have to worry about going to school because of the names that others might call them.